Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
