why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
