Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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