nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
