Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
