Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
