"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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