so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
