just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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