dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
