I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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