Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
