i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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