she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
