i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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