I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
