she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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