My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
