New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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