I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
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I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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