Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
