I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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