Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize