You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
