Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
