On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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