Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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