What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
