I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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