tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
