Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
