a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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