is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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