You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
