What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
