Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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