Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
