Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
