Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
