but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
