Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
