Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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