Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
