Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
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I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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