Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
