Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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