just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
