apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
