My first STD was from a foam party
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
