There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book