My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.