you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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