You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
