Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
